Mon Amar

So I am supposed to be happy today. Maybe I am. Even being the stoic that I know myself to be, it’s just too obvious a fact to ignore that something inside is killing me every moment. I cannot put my finger on it now, as they say. Truth be told- I don’t want to.

I wish I could just close my eyes, take a deep breath and it would be gone. The exercise of lulling oneself into rebuffing something that’s increasingly becoming fairly “staring you in the face” is draining me of the spontaneity that I would have liked to see in myself. The voices in my head are growing louder and louder telling me to just forget all about it and stop hoping helplessly. I remember the last time I happened to use this term in a post, things started changing. That’s precisely the problem -they changed very fast. And now that they are changing again, slowly and painfully, I am sad, really sad. I don’t know how long this cycle of hoping and feeling lonely and let down will carry on. I feel tired. If only I could have said it all sans this symbolism, I think I would have felt better. But that’s who I am. I just cannot say harsh things to people. And so will I act as if nothing happened. And just let it die.