Have you ever felt the chill of December on a sultry September night? Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have your consciousness escape the boundaries of the physical world and stare down at you? When questions like Which is Which and Who is Who and Who are You appear as the biggest puzzles in life. Have you ever tried to experience music not just as a collection of notes and beats, but as a moving canvas where new landscapes keep on changing form with every rise and fall of the meter? Has the feeling that the best lines the poet inside you could ever produce is here and now, that were you to be handed a paper and pen, you could say the words that you have always wanted to, occurred to you? It sure did to me. When? On a sultry September night.
It all started with the five of us- A,G,N,D and myself getting together for a night of peaceful hallucination after having done rather dissapointedly in our respective midsem exams. Not that it was any justifiable pretext. But sometimes you have to tell yourself, “ Shit man, I need something to get over this.”
The groundwork to instill the sense of surreality to our experience was done by A,N and myself. After giving the “chumma” to the “Amma” and gorging on the Biryani and Chap from the Taj, it was time to get the sleeping beauty D up from the only rest he was having in the last 48 hours. It’s not an easy task you see. When D hits the bed, one can be pretty sure that the Sun would have set and risen again before he gets up. Cometh the moment, cometh the man. Reptile slayer N was handed the responsibility. And what a neat job he made of it. Didn’t relent kicking at D’s door until it was about to come apart. Bravo N, we love you for the nutcase that you are.
Now the scene shifts to the sanctum sanctorum of our holy worship, G’s room( pun intended). D had worked his magic with the scissors and matchstick and we were all set to ascend up the magical stairway to heaven. Lights off, music and the smell of teen spirit flooded the room, casting a halo all around. And from then onwards, it was a time travel to an alternate world where anyone could have been anything from a joker to a jockey, from a poet to a painter. Cloaked under the spell of sheer otherworldliness, we ceased to be A,N,G,D and S. It was as if we were the entire Universe and yet at the next moment we all seemed to have disintegrated into the smallest quarks. The beauty was in being able to completely dissolve our joys, sorrows, egos and superegos- our entire being into a stream unshackled by the invisible barriers that stifle us in the real world.
But none of that would have been possible without Floyd’s intoxicating sound imagery for company. I don’t call it just music because every song of theirs that day seemed to awake from the clothing of solos and harmonies we usually see it in ,painting before me a picture, real and vivid, thousands of them with each passing moment. Every chord that they played was striking a very different chord in my mind. Images hidden somewhere in the deep recesses of my psyche were turning up in front of me like visions from a past life. Echoes CD 2 got accorded Hall Of Fame Status in our music libraries. All the songs were so seamlessly blending from one into the other that we had to pinch ourselves to confirm that this was actually happening. As A so aptly remarked, “ David Gilmour seems to have dedicated his life to intoxicating me .” I couldn’t agree more.
Meanwhile G suddenly realized that he had another exam to appear for in half a day’s time. So he started going through his notes under his rather modest mobile phone light. That didn’t stop him though from mimicking the vibrations that the music was producing in his body and mind. The name of the paper he was to appear for – Vibration of Floating Structures. How weird is that? The rest of us were just too full of what all was going on around us in an altogether different world. We hardly cared! The only thing that interspersed the periods of silence was someone speaking up, “ Kuch f**** lag raha hain be. OMG!”. But G wouldn’t let us sit still for too long what with his mindblowing histrionics at play causing A to almost choke with laughter. I only wish I could remember even half of what he uttered in those unforgettable moments. But then, I was hallucinating, you see.
It was a night to remember, by far the best engagement that I have had with G(g) ever. Everything fell into place so wonderfully well to create an atmosphere of limitless surrealism when we were indeed being shone upon by the crazy diamond. Cheers to life and A,N,D &G. And even as I write this …….
Pools of sorrow,waves of joy
are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me
Jai guru deva om.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Mon Amar
So I am supposed to be happy today. Maybe I am. Even being the stoic that I know myself to be, it’s just too obvious a fact to ignore that something inside is killing me every moment. I cannot put my finger on it now, as they say. Truth be told- I don’t want to.
I wish I could just close my eyes, take a deep breath and it would be gone. The exercise of lulling oneself into rebuffing something that’s increasingly becoming fairly “staring you in the face” is draining me of the spontaneity that I would have liked to see in myself. The voices in my head are growing louder and louder telling me to just forget all about it and stop hoping helplessly. I remember the last time I happened to use this term in a post, things started changing. That’s precisely the problem -they changed very fast. And now that they are changing again, slowly and painfully, I am sad, really sad. I don’t know how long this cycle of hoping and feeling lonely and let down will carry on. I feel tired. If only I could have said it all sans this symbolism, I think I would have felt better. But that’s who I am. I just cannot say harsh things to people. And so will I act as if nothing happened. And just let it die.
I wish I could just close my eyes, take a deep breath and it would be gone. The exercise of lulling oneself into rebuffing something that’s increasingly becoming fairly “staring you in the face” is draining me of the spontaneity that I would have liked to see in myself. The voices in my head are growing louder and louder telling me to just forget all about it and stop hoping helplessly. I remember the last time I happened to use this term in a post, things started changing. That’s precisely the problem -they changed very fast. And now that they are changing again, slowly and painfully, I am sad, really sad. I don’t know how long this cycle of hoping and feeling lonely and let down will carry on. I feel tired. If only I could have said it all sans this symbolism, I think I would have felt better. But that’s who I am. I just cannot say harsh things to people. And so will I act as if nothing happened. And just let it die.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Human Nature
How often does it happen that sheer excitement and curiosity leads you to do something that is utterly stupid and downright disgusting? You know that it will make you feel bad, hog your mind and take complete control of every single thought and yet you hopelessly choose to walk down that road to nowhere. I wish I had the sensibility to restrain and refrain. Just tell myself, “ Calm down. Take it easy.”
I remember once telling someone , “ But, I don’t wanna know”. Guess I was being blissfully ignorant of my frailties as a normal twenty one year old treading into uncharted territory with a bagful of fears and insecurities. And when they start popping their scary faces with alarming frequency , I am completely defenseless. Wouldn’t it be great if one could just spit them out of one’s system and never have them come back to haunt you ? But no, one can’t, and that’s what makes me sad.
Only the full moon makes life a little easier tonight.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Ramblings
4…3…2…1… the countdown has begun. It’s packing time, folks. And there’s a lot of it to be done. Chocolates, garments,shampoos, perfumes, vanity bags, slippers,cameras,watches, mobiles,books,bookmarks scattered all around the apartment. Time to collect all the memories- the joys and heartaches, fleeting images of fullmoon nights and shady afternoons. It would be unfair to say that time has flown by whilst my stay in Singapore. Rather it has limped, (hop-skip-jump)-ed, gurgled, paused, stammered, reversed – all in varying tempos and sequences. It was some experience, that’s the best adjective I can gather right now.
This, most certainly, being my last post from Singapore, I find it obligatory to mention the customary updates( especially now that I have come to know some people actually do read what I scribble). Jumbo prawns ,Mango custard, Kati roll( yes it is available at Clarke quay), Corona, Pig’s Loin- all these take care of the gastronomic quarters. A bulging tummy bears ample testimony to the gourmet delight this entire trip has been. Club Colaba, Songs of the Sea, Ramakarishna Mission,Bugis Street, Orchard Towers- bracketed perhaps in the most absurd combination ever stand as memorable visits. What else then, other than shopping and more shopping? Actually, not much. Watches, Jeans,Raisins and Almonds, Jackets, Gucci Perfumes and a Surprise Gift for someone who hasn’t been surprised in a long time. I am now a confirmed shopaholic, period. The best part is I feel no guilt or remorse about literally throwing away big bucks, just like that. And why should, I? It’s MY Money after all. Probably not the fruit of hours of sweat and toil. But then everyone deserves these mini lotteries thrown at them atleast once in life. And when you’re twenty-one , concepts like savings and compound interest don’t hold much value to you- even if you happen to be a budding investment banker interning at an investment bank. Picking up stuff you like randomly one after the other as soon as you come across them, is the ultimate ego pumping exercise one can undertake. And when it is meant for people who mean something to you, in one way or another, and you kind of visualize the expression on their faces when you say “Eta tomar jonno”, it all seems worth it! There surely are somethings money can’t buy. For everything else there’s money.
To talk about things money can’t buy. Money can’t buy you that blushing face when your manager tells you,” Excellent. Very Impressive. So, what have you thought about joining us?” . Money can’t buy a nightout on Read Bridge spent with friends discussing fears and insecurities, wondering whether it will all work out in the end or just for all apart like a pack of cards. Money can’t buy you that dreamy melody of the waters lashing onto the pebbled beach in the shadow of the palm trees with a friend asking a seemingly stupid but thought- provoking question, “ Abe, yeh leheren thak nahi jaati patthar se takrate takrate?”. Money can’t buy that butterfly feeling you get talking to someone on the phone every single time. Money can’t buy you “ Carolina, on my mind” and “Rhymes and Reasons”. James Taylor, u rock even as you soothe.
And so it has been. Final Year beckons , Insti top beckons, Imaginary meetings with real people beckon, Mandarmani Beckons, SSM-ing beckons, Life beckons….. Fly away ….. by SQ 517.
This, most certainly, being my last post from Singapore, I find it obligatory to mention the customary updates( especially now that I have come to know some people actually do read what I scribble). Jumbo prawns ,Mango custard, Kati roll( yes it is available at Clarke quay), Corona, Pig’s Loin- all these take care of the gastronomic quarters. A bulging tummy bears ample testimony to the gourmet delight this entire trip has been. Club Colaba, Songs of the Sea, Ramakarishna Mission,Bugis Street, Orchard Towers- bracketed perhaps in the most absurd combination ever stand as memorable visits. What else then, other than shopping and more shopping? Actually, not much. Watches, Jeans,Raisins and Almonds, Jackets, Gucci Perfumes and a Surprise Gift for someone who hasn’t been surprised in a long time. I am now a confirmed shopaholic, period. The best part is I feel no guilt or remorse about literally throwing away big bucks, just like that. And why should, I? It’s MY Money after all. Probably not the fruit of hours of sweat and toil. But then everyone deserves these mini lotteries thrown at them atleast once in life. And when you’re twenty-one , concepts like savings and compound interest don’t hold much value to you- even if you happen to be a budding investment banker interning at an investment bank. Picking up stuff you like randomly one after the other as soon as you come across them, is the ultimate ego pumping exercise one can undertake. And when it is meant for people who mean something to you, in one way or another, and you kind of visualize the expression on their faces when you say “Eta tomar jonno”, it all seems worth it! There surely are somethings money can’t buy. For everything else there’s money.
To talk about things money can’t buy. Money can’t buy you that blushing face when your manager tells you,” Excellent. Very Impressive. So, what have you thought about joining us?” . Money can’t buy a nightout on Read Bridge spent with friends discussing fears and insecurities, wondering whether it will all work out in the end or just for all apart like a pack of cards. Money can’t buy you that dreamy melody of the waters lashing onto the pebbled beach in the shadow of the palm trees with a friend asking a seemingly stupid but thought- provoking question, “ Abe, yeh leheren thak nahi jaati patthar se takrate takrate?”. Money can’t buy that butterfly feeling you get talking to someone on the phone every single time. Money can’t buy you “ Carolina, on my mind” and “Rhymes and Reasons”. James Taylor, u rock even as you soothe.
And so it has been. Final Year beckons , Insti top beckons, Imaginary meetings with real people beckon, Mandarmani Beckons, SSM-ing beckons, Life beckons….. Fly away ….. by SQ 517.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Country roads take me home
Yay! I have only nineteen days left to go to be back in my Swades. This isn’t some NASA scientist a.k.a Mohan Bhargav talking about his homecoming to his native village but an impressionable young adult yearning to be back in the midst of family, friends, Bhaski and Cheddis after seven weeks in Singapore. Isn’t it just a four hour plane journey out of Kolkata? Yes, I know in many ways one can say that Singapore is India’s best metropolis with a decent dose of fair-skinned people thrown in. But I miss my country and all the heat, sweat, grime and traffic jams that come with it. I just can’t wait to be back in KGP bunking classes and staying up till three in the morning for the last plate of fried maggi at JCB, for the chai at Tikkas, for the endless bhaat sessions over the most absurd topics one can think of.
Singapore has been lovely though especially the last weekend. I guess it’s just one of those things that you tend to get used to. So, no matter how cozy your apartment maybe, how swanky the shopping malls, how organized the traffic- it isn’t what makes you feel at home.
Updates on my new purchases- Ipod shuffle that I can’t seem to get enough of, Canon Powershot SX210 IS digital camera that even makes my smile look natural and an electric shaver for Baba. That’s it! I am done with my gadget shopping. Having spent nearly a quarter of my salary on them, I put my hands up! But boy, does it not feel great to own these masterpieces of technology !
The last weekend was perhaps the most action packed one. Hadn’t planned it to be thus. So it seems even more thrilling that it turned out that way. Two close friends for company and my first night out in phoren land. A few lines were crossed. “Lal dupatta udh gaya re mere hawa ke jhonke se”- this jingle got immortalized in our music library for reasons having no far-fetched relations with music or melody. I traveled to the southern most point of continental Asia, watched the sunset against a picturesque blue ocean and trailed a thousand footsteps on the white sand.
And just when one thought that beauty couldn’t get more intoxicating, the full moon reminded me of a night spent under the spell of honesty and innocence when I was let into a world, familiar yet mystical at once.
It’s time to wrap up things. The shampoos, body soaps, nail polishes & chocolates are about to be piled up for people back home. I have a presentation to give for the completion of my last objective. Just hope that passes well. Had this wonderful director meeting with Harriet Guest, more like talking with a friend actually. Have never felt so good about myself after all the praise she heaped on my communication skills. I hope she meant it because I’m gonna need a lot of that in the days to come, in more ways than one.
Singapore has been lovely though especially the last weekend. I guess it’s just one of those things that you tend to get used to. So, no matter how cozy your apartment maybe, how swanky the shopping malls, how organized the traffic- it isn’t what makes you feel at home.
Updates on my new purchases- Ipod shuffle that I can’t seem to get enough of, Canon Powershot SX210 IS digital camera that even makes my smile look natural and an electric shaver for Baba. That’s it! I am done with my gadget shopping. Having spent nearly a quarter of my salary on them, I put my hands up! But boy, does it not feel great to own these masterpieces of technology !
The last weekend was perhaps the most action packed one. Hadn’t planned it to be thus. So it seems even more thrilling that it turned out that way. Two close friends for company and my first night out in phoren land. A few lines were crossed. “Lal dupatta udh gaya re mere hawa ke jhonke se”- this jingle got immortalized in our music library for reasons having no far-fetched relations with music or melody. I traveled to the southern most point of continental Asia, watched the sunset against a picturesque blue ocean and trailed a thousand footsteps on the white sand.
And just when one thought that beauty couldn’t get more intoxicating, the full moon reminded me of a night spent under the spell of honesty and innocence when I was let into a world, familiar yet mystical at once.
It’s time to wrap up things. The shampoos, body soaps, nail polishes & chocolates are about to be piled up for people back home. I have a presentation to give for the completion of my last objective. Just hope that passes well. Had this wonderful director meeting with Harriet Guest, more like talking with a friend actually. Have never felt so good about myself after all the praise she heaped on my communication skills. I hope she meant it because I’m gonna need a lot of that in the days to come, in more ways than one.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Life is peace !
Had intended to write a much more elaborate post but so intoxicated I am with the charm of Anindo Chatterjee’s table beats drumming in my mind that I just don’t wanna wake up. A wonderful evening passed me by with the most awesome Japanese food I have tasted till now and Soha Ali Khan thrown in for some delectable dessert. Yes folks! She looks gorgeous in real life, a whole lot better than she does on the silver screen. We were just too shocked to ask for an autograph or a photo. Damn it!
And before I hit the bed on a day when a friend a few thousand miles away reminded me again and again how right it is to care and another who just seems to move away with each passing day, I donno what to say. I wish I could say , “ Why does it have to be this way ?”. But I’ll just fade away!
And before I hit the bed on a day when a friend a few thousand miles away reminded me again and again how right it is to care and another who just seems to move away with each passing day, I donno what to say. I wish I could say , “ Why does it have to be this way ?”. But I’ll just fade away!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Just like that
Yes, it’s been a long time since my last post. A lot of water has flown under the bridge since then,literally. Nadal has been crowned the king of clay yet again, football frenzy has gripped the world and Singapore has witnessed floods. On the personal front as well, there’s been so much to talk about .I have welcomed a smartphone, a MP3 player and a brand new laptop into my family. Seriously, even for a non-gadget freak like me just the awareness that you own these cool gizmos gives an instant thrill unmatched by the joy of actually using them.
Where have I been all this while? Well except for the weekend gateway to Bintan, it’s been office-home-gym-bed-office-home-gym-bed…..,the normal routine that I have come to follow in the last one month. Somehow, I can’t seem to recollect what exactly has kept me busy in the last few days. Paying regular visits to the gym in the aspiration of having John Abraham-esque abs has been a welcome distraction. Working out really makes you feel good about yourself and the momentary pain and tiredness is what I have kind of come to look forward to at the end of the day. For one, it guarantees that you are dead the moment you hit the bed and you wake up feeling rejuvenated the next morning. New developments on the emotional front have left me feeling miserable and distraught at one moment, carefree and peaceful at the very next. The roller-coaster ride just does not seem to end. I consciously see myself going through this cycle of liking-attachment-expectation-heartbreak-hopelessness-numbness-realisation-selftalk-normalcy, again and again. I don’t know whether one can call it a quality but it never takes me long to come to terms with….you know what I mean. Maybe it’s because I seldom get attached to someone as intimately in reality as I think I do in my mind.
Bintan acted as the perfect mood enhancer though. To be in the midst of serenity is a humbling feeling really. Picture postcard settings start popping in front of your eyes every moment. Especially this one seaside restaurant we went to for lunch, the turquoise colour of the endless sea all around coupled with a cloudy sky created an unforgettable image that is captured in my mind for posterity. Standing on this wooden passageway that juts out further into the waters alone with just the wind and rain for company reminded me of this scene in the movie Namesake where Gogol and his father walk together on a trail of boulders into the sea and Ashok(the father) tells Gogol that here they are together, just the two of them and that he’ll always be there for Gogol whenever he needs him. I was alone and yet I felt so comforted, so gratified in the solitude just thanking the stars for being kind enough to have brought me here. Almost as if the Gods had destined it to be thus when all of us were getting a little iffy about the weather getting worse thus robbing us of the chance to try out the water sports, the clouds parted and Bintan was bathed in sunlight once again. Time to try out some thrills and spills. Over the next three hours, I went through the most freakishly frightening yet immensely thrilling time of my life . Thrown out of the banana boat, gliding on the waters in a jet ski at top speed and going amateur snorkeling under the blue sea- what more can one ask for! We called it a day after a round of beach volleyball and sipping some chilled coconut water at the beach restaurant. Tired as hell, I hit the bed early. Not even the mouthwatering prospect of tasting Chivas Regal for the first time in my life could keep me up.
But we weren’t done with Bintan yet. How could we without some traditional Balinese massage to cool down( or maybe spice up) things a little? And man, was it relaxing or what! Yes, the masseuse was female. Yes, we had nothing but briefs on. Yes, there was music and dim lights. But that’s about it. An hour of unadulterated pleasure passed me by in a flash and before one knew, I was done with my first visit to a professional massage parlour. Phew!
Another week is almost done and dusted. We are off to Malaysia tomorrow. Time to throw caution to the wind and try out some real stuff, stuff that I’ve been told is very easily accessible out there. Meanwhile on the work front, which I hardly ever talk about even though I’m officially on an internship, my midterm appraisal went well. Got a B which is decent. The highlight though was this meeting that I had with the Asia head of my division and he seemed really impressed talking to me. To top it all, he even talked about it to my manager just before we were to go for the midterm appraisal! The Gods do smile on you sometimes. It was one of those occasions and I couldn’t help feeling, “ Maybe I am not as hopeless as I make myself out to be”. One really needs these moments of self belief you see, when circumstances conspire to elevate your mood and you learn to start appreciating yourself for what you are, not for someone else you would like to be. Leaving with that thought, I’ll say “Truly Asia”- Here I come!
PS: Made a video on my new touchphone on the beach at Bintan , the All-Souls-Bared kind. Dunno whether I ‘ll ever bring myself to showing it to the Subject, though.
Where have I been all this while? Well except for the weekend gateway to Bintan, it’s been office-home-gym-bed-office-home-gym-bed…..,the normal routine that I have come to follow in the last one month. Somehow, I can’t seem to recollect what exactly has kept me busy in the last few days. Paying regular visits to the gym in the aspiration of having John Abraham-esque abs has been a welcome distraction. Working out really makes you feel good about yourself and the momentary pain and tiredness is what I have kind of come to look forward to at the end of the day. For one, it guarantees that you are dead the moment you hit the bed and you wake up feeling rejuvenated the next morning. New developments on the emotional front have left me feeling miserable and distraught at one moment, carefree and peaceful at the very next. The roller-coaster ride just does not seem to end. I consciously see myself going through this cycle of liking-attachment-expectation-heartbreak-hopelessness-numbness-realisation-selftalk-normalcy, again and again. I don’t know whether one can call it a quality but it never takes me long to come to terms with….you know what I mean. Maybe it’s because I seldom get attached to someone as intimately in reality as I think I do in my mind.
Bintan acted as the perfect mood enhancer though. To be in the midst of serenity is a humbling feeling really. Picture postcard settings start popping in front of your eyes every moment. Especially this one seaside restaurant we went to for lunch, the turquoise colour of the endless sea all around coupled with a cloudy sky created an unforgettable image that is captured in my mind for posterity. Standing on this wooden passageway that juts out further into the waters alone with just the wind and rain for company reminded me of this scene in the movie Namesake where Gogol and his father walk together on a trail of boulders into the sea and Ashok(the father) tells Gogol that here they are together, just the two of them and that he’ll always be there for Gogol whenever he needs him. I was alone and yet I felt so comforted, so gratified in the solitude just thanking the stars for being kind enough to have brought me here. Almost as if the Gods had destined it to be thus when all of us were getting a little iffy about the weather getting worse thus robbing us of the chance to try out the water sports, the clouds parted and Bintan was bathed in sunlight once again. Time to try out some thrills and spills. Over the next three hours, I went through the most freakishly frightening yet immensely thrilling time of my life . Thrown out of the banana boat, gliding on the waters in a jet ski at top speed and going amateur snorkeling under the blue sea- what more can one ask for! We called it a day after a round of beach volleyball and sipping some chilled coconut water at the beach restaurant. Tired as hell, I hit the bed early. Not even the mouthwatering prospect of tasting Chivas Regal for the first time in my life could keep me up.
But we weren’t done with Bintan yet. How could we without some traditional Balinese massage to cool down( or maybe spice up) things a little? And man, was it relaxing or what! Yes, the masseuse was female. Yes, we had nothing but briefs on. Yes, there was music and dim lights. But that’s about it. An hour of unadulterated pleasure passed me by in a flash and before one knew, I was done with my first visit to a professional massage parlour. Phew!
Another week is almost done and dusted. We are off to Malaysia tomorrow. Time to throw caution to the wind and try out some real stuff, stuff that I’ve been told is very easily accessible out there. Meanwhile on the work front, which I hardly ever talk about even though I’m officially on an internship, my midterm appraisal went well. Got a B which is decent. The highlight though was this meeting that I had with the Asia head of my division and he seemed really impressed talking to me. To top it all, he even talked about it to my manager just before we were to go for the midterm appraisal! The Gods do smile on you sometimes. It was one of those occasions and I couldn’t help feeling, “ Maybe I am not as hopeless as I make myself out to be”. One really needs these moments of self belief you see, when circumstances conspire to elevate your mood and you learn to start appreciating yourself for what you are, not for someone else you would like to be. Leaving with that thought, I’ll say “Truly Asia”- Here I come!
PS: Made a video on my new touchphone on the beach at Bintan , the All-Souls-Bared kind. Dunno whether I ‘ll ever bring myself to showing it to the Subject, though.
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